


The Big Day

by poisonousdream



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU, Flashbacks, Homophobia, Kidfic, M/M, Mental Illness, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Teacher!Steve, Vet!bucky, Violence, Violent Outbursts, dad!bucky
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-21
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-02-26 12:53:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2652713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisonousdream/pseuds/poisonousdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Steve and Bucky are childhood best friends, but lose contact after high school. Years later they meet when Bucky is taking his daughter to her first day of school and Steve is her teacher.</p><p>Updating the tags as I go along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Today was the big day and Bucky's nerves were shot to pieces. He'd spent the duration of breakfast wincing at every loud noise which seemed to be amplified in volume in his mind today. He'd barely managed to get a few mouthful of cereals down him whilst his daughter was buzzing with endless amounts of energy talking non stop to him. Thankfully, he had gotten pretty good at keeping his nerves under control around his daughter as he really didn't want to ruin her big day with another panic attack. He could still remember last time when he had a really bad attack scaring the shit out of both of them and making his anxiety ten times worse. In the end, his little girl had dialled the special number on the kitchen phone and his neighbour Natasha had came to the rescue. Bucky had retired to bed for the rest of the day completely exhausted both physically and mentally, whilst Natasha had made Edie an ice cream sundae for being a brave girl, and put on her favourite movie. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket as they were leaving the building and he saw he had a text of Natasha: _You've got this, James. Let me know how it goes. -Nat._ Taking a deep breath he nodded to himself and held out his hand for Edie to take. She was his lifeline- unknowingly helping him stay grounded when people started to stare too much at his missing limb. Sometimes it was easy to forget why he fought in a goddamn war for these assholes who would flat out stare with no decency at all. Guiltily, Bucky felt relieved that the heavens looked like they were about the open so most people would stay inside. Edie gave his hand a tug to indicate she wanted to move, so they started their walk towards her new school. Bucky couldn't believe his little girl was starting school today. Frankly it scared the shit out of him. He still couldn't wrap his head around returning home from the war, let alone being a father. 

Thankfully the walk to Edie's school was only a few blocks away and as he'd predicted the heavens had opened half way through their walk causing them to run the rest of the way. Inevitably they got soaked as Bucky didn't think to be prepared and bring an umbrella. Bucky felt and looked like a drowned rat with his clothes looking like they were painted on, and his shoulder length hair plastered against his face. Edie wasn't much better off but if her grin was any indication, it didn't bother her in the slightly.  
"I'm sorry, darling you're going to be damp all day..." Bucky sighed scolding his stupidity yet again.  
"S'okay Daddy, I got another dress in my bag 'member." Edie beamed at him, her blue eyes laughing at him. Before he could reply, they had reached the school gates. They both stared at the imposing building silently. Discreetly glancing over at Edie he witnessed her excitement quickly fade into apprehension.

A tidal wave of protectiveness swept over Bucky and his body unconsciously repositioned itself into a defensive stance. Without realising it he was already scouting out all the exit points and potential threats. Calculating the easiest way to disarm and dispose. It wasn't until he went to reach for where his knife used to be kept, that he snapped out his trance like state. Trying to regulate his erratic heart rate, and become grounded once again he wasn't aware that the playground had all but deserted. Closing his eyes quickly, gathering his bearings he was too preoccupied with trying not to have another attack that he didn't hear someone approach behind him.

"Excus-" Bucky's brain short wired when he felt a hand on his shoulder- his reflexes taking over he spun around in a second grabbing the arm, twisting it behind the persons back whilst simultaneously kicking the back of their knee causing them to drop to the floor. Still exerting a death grip on the arm he threw his knee down onto their back trapping them there with his body weight. Breathing heavily he was vaguely aware of someone calling him loudly. In a daze he looked up at Edie looking terrified and pulling on his soaked shirt arm. "Daddy! No don't hurt the man! Stop!" He dropped the persons arm and shot up like he had been jolted by a bolt of lightening. Bucky stared at his hand in horror. His head snapped up when he saw the guy getting up gingerly. 

The guy straightened up wincing slightly and looked at Bucky. A flicker of recognition sparked in Bucky's brain as he stared at the guy in front of him. He watched this recognition mirrored in the guys eyes.   
"B-Buck is that you?" Steve uttered breathlessly looking equally as shocked as Bucky was feeling. Bucky tried not to flinch when Steve stared at his missing limb. Edie was looking between the two of them brow furrowed in confusion as they continued to stare at each other shell shocked.  
"Daddy, do you two know each other?" Edie enquired to Bucky. In reply he found himself nodding dumbly as he took in this new bigger Steve. From his attire he deducted he worked at the school making him a teacher. He just assaulted his best friend who was a teacher at his daughter's new school. Fuck.   
"Edie, this is Daddy's best friend that he hasn't seen in a long time... His name is Steve." Bucky made the introductions feeling nervous for some unknown reason. He didn't miss the surprise flash across Steve's eyes when he heard him say daddy. Steve gave a nervous chuckle and flashed his trademark smile at Bucky.  
"Of course- I saw Edie's name on my register but just thought it was too much of a coincidence, y'know with that being your mom's name." Steve spoke. Bucky nodded, he had named Edie after his mom who had passed before he got deployed home. 

The next five minutes passed in a bit of blur for Bucky as he and Steve agreed to meet up for a coffee to catch up on each other's lives. Slipping Steve's number into his trouser pocket, he waved as he watched Steve and Edie walk into the building. Walking back to his apartment he felt excited about the what the future would bring for the first time in a long time.   
_You are not going to believe the morning I've had- B._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly filler/setting the scene, sorry.

The walk to Steve’s classroom was made in silence- both Edie and Steve deep in thought. Just as he was about to open the door and walk into the classroom he felt a hand on his arm. Glancing down he saw Edie has gripped his arm staring at him chewing her lip.  
“I- Sorry about Daddy Mister Steve… Nat says that Daddy sometimes ‘members stuff that happened, and it makes his brain a bit jumbled.” Edie told him still chewing on her lip, her eyes searching Steve’s. Steve’s mind whirled with even more unanswered questions, but he smiled down at Edie and squeezed her hand gently.  
“It’s okay, your Daddy didn’t hurt me and I’m not mad, alright?” He reassured her as they both walked into the now full classroom.

The day went agonisingly slow for Steve who kept clock watching every five minutes until the bell rang at three signalling home time. Throughout the day he has gotten to know his new students, whilst trying to contain his curiosity about his best friend’s daughter. Edie had quickly made friends with the other children in her class, which Steve was secretly pleased about. Bucky had always been a popular kid when they were in school- but he’d always stuck with Steve regardless.

Trying not to seem too eager, Steve ushered his students out to meet their parents in the yard. Automatically his eyes began searching the crowd for Bucky’s face. When he didn’t see it he then looked for Edie and saw her talking with her hands and grinning at a red headed woman. Unexpectedly he felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. Of course this was Edie’s mother… Hesitating for a second, he made the decision to go over and introduce himself. Squaring his shoulders he cleared his throat to get their attention.

He didn’t miss the way to woman gave him a discreet once over accompanied with slight eyebrow raise. Feeling uncharacteristically uneasy he put out his hand to the woman to shake.  
“I’m Edie’s teacher- Mr Rogers. You must be her mom, hi.” Steve cringed inwardly at his awkwardness. This time the woman didn’t hold back her smile and shook his hand in a fierce grip.  
“Nat’s not my mom, Mister Steve! She’s our neighbour!” Edie giggled at the two of them grinning at Natasha. Steve could feel his cheeks burning with embarrassment. Feeling flustered he realised he was still gripping Natasha’s hand and quickly let go.

“Natasha Romanov, I live across the hall from James and Edie. You must be the famous Steve Rogers: James didn’t stop talking about you this morning.” Once again Steve felt like his cheeks were on fire. Bucky had been talking about him all morning? What had he told this woman about them- about him?  
“Nat, can Mister Steve come over for tea? I promise I’ll be on my bestest behaviour and I’ll eat all my peas!” Edie begged Natasha bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation. Steve began to shake his head and insist it was fine when he was cut off by Natasha’s phone ringing. 

“Yes, she’s with me now. Edie wants to talk to you she’s pulling on my arm. Here you go.” Taking the phone off Natasha she grinned at hearing Bucky and nodded along to his questions.   
Starting to feel awkward again, Steve shuffled his feet self-consciously and made to turn a move back to the school. For the second time that day a hand stopped him in his tracks. This time however it wasn’t Edie but Natasha who had put it there. Tilting her head slightly to the right they shuffled over out of Edie’s hearing but still keeping her within sight. 

“James and Edie mean a lot to me. I’ve known Edie since she was a few months old when James moved into the building. I have a lot of respect for him and I don’t care if you two are childhood sweethearts or whatever. But, if you cause that man anymore pain and suffering- I promise I will make you regret it.” She warned him, as Steve stood there in a stunned silence.   
“I-I.” He stuttered completely lost for words as to how to reply to that. Natasha just stared back at him unflinchingly daring him to argue. They both turned their head when they saw Edie walking to them looking upset. Stopping in front of them she scowled and crossed her arms. “Daddy said not today… Sorry Mr Steve, I tried really I did.” 

A few minutes later of coaxing from Natasha, the two of them left the yard. Steve gave a shaky wave to Edie. Later that night when he got back to his apartment he took out his phone and sent a text.  
 _I think your neighbour threatened me today…-Steve x_  
Just as he was sliding into bed his phone pinged indicating he had a new message. Opening it he saw it was from Bucky and his heart did a little flutter.  
 _Means she likes you. Night Steve, see you tomorrow –B x_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part One. Sorry it's filler again.   
> Part Two will actually have some plot.

As the weeks went by, Bucky found himself falling into a comfortable routine. As usual he would take Edie to school each morning, go to his session with Sam, then he would go for a run. He found that most people were usually in their day jobs by that time, so there was less chance of being stared at. He still always wore his hoodie regardless. Sometimes, Natasha would accompany him if he had a bad session.

It was now Sunday morning, and Bucky had the apartment to himself as Natasha had taken Edie out for the day to the local museum. It had become their tradition and one again Bucky thanked whatever God there was for Natasha being a part of their lives. Before they moved here, Bucky had been worried that Edie would be missing out on crucial developing because she didn’t have a female in her life. He once told Natasha that when he had been drunk and she’d punched his arm not all that gently. She’d told him not to be so old fashioned and she had turned out fine. It wasn’t until much later on he discovered that Natasha was an orphan.

As he was zipping up his jacket his phone alerted him that he had a text message from Steve. They’d been texting each other a lot of the last series of weeks and occasionally they would speak on the phone if Bucky was having a good day. Even with all the progress he had be making he still couldn’t work up to making contact with Steve outside of the safety of the schoolyard. As much as Bucky enjoyed being around his old childhood best friend, it still got too overwhelming too quickly as his past would hit him like a freight train. 

Sam had picked up on this in their sessions. He had then suggested running as a way to help clear Bucky’s head if his thoughts got too much for him. It was something Bucky had enjoyed before the war, so he agreed to it. Sam also mentioned something about exercise releasing good chemicals into your body but Bucky hadn’t really paid as much attention as he should have. Science had never been his strong suit in school. 

 

***

Steve had gotten a late start that morning after he’d had one too many beers with Sam last night. They’d chatted easily about sports and how Steve’s job was going over Chinese and beers. Sam had briefly mentioned a fairly new client of his who was some sort of war hero. Steve knew not to pry though, out of respect for patient confidentiality. 

Luckily, he didn’t suffer from bad hangovers so he was able to get all his class marking done by noon with only a dull headache. Walking over to the sink to get a glass of water he appreciated what a nice afternoon it was and decided to get some fresh air. Five minutes later he was lacing up his running shoes and sending a quick text to Bucky asking how his Sunday was going. 

There was a park about a block or so from his place that he would cut through on his commute to work each day. With autumn in full bloom the trees would be bursting with sunburnt reds and bright oranges. It was one of his favourite times of the year. He debated about bringing along his sketchbook and art supplies. He hadn’t drawn nature for a while now and could do with the practice. Heat rushed to his cheeks as he picked up his sketchbook and a page full of new sketches of Bucky slid onto the floor. Quickly pushing the pages back in he thrust his book and supplies into his satchel and left his place- face still burning and his pants threatening to feel constricted.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait for Part 2.
> 
> Some symptoms seen in people with combat PTSD include:  
> -Carrying a weapon when not necessary  
> -Seeing threats where non exist  
> -Expressing rage for no reason
> 
> Someone with combat PTSD experience a flashback if they jump and “hit the ground” when a car backfires.
> 
> **_Warning _ ****__**for gunpoint and homophobic slurs.

When he reached the park Steve was pleasantly surprised to see how many people were there today. They probably had the same idea he had to make the most of the weather whilst it lasted. The winters in New York were bitterly cold, so like all New Yorkers he was grabbing the warmer weather with both hands. Smiling at passing people he searched for a good spot to get out his supplies and sketch. After walking around the park once he found the perfect vantage point near the pond, where the sun hit the trees making their leaves glow and cast a beautiful reflection on the still water. The spot also had less foot traffic, which Steve preferred. As much as he loved the city he was born and raised in, the noise and the amount of people could overwhelm him at times.

Soon he was immersed in his own little world capturing the scene in front of him. When he was in the zone, time often went by without him realizing it. Once he’d missed a date because he had gone to see a new exhibition in Manhattan. Sam had laughed at him when he told him the next day and joked that he had done it on purpose. Steve had laughed along, but wondered deep down if he had unconsciously done it on purpose. Dating wasn’t his strong suit. It wasn’t that he avoided it exactly; he just never really pursued it because he knew it wouldn’t work out and he’d rather not cause unnecessary hurt to himself or his date. 

The only person he’d allowed himself to have feelings for was Bucky. It had been so natural for the both of them. They’d known each other since day one, as their Moms were best friends. Hell, his Mom had even helped deliver Bucky’s sister, as she was a nurse back then. He can still remember Bucky’s Mom asking if he was disappointed because he had a sister and not a brother, and Bucky replying ‘I don’t need a brother ‘cos I already got Steve’. Bucky had been his first, in every sense of the word. 

And then one day he wasn’t there anymore. His Mom had told him afterwards that Bucky’s Grandma was really sick and his Mom had to move them to Indiana to take care of her. He’d cried for days after that. He didn’t even get to say goodbye, didn’t have an address to write to or a home number to call. Now by some miracle he had Bucky back in his life. He wasn’t naïve to think things hadn’t changed and they would just go back to how they were. Bucky had obviously moved on and found a woman he loved and he had a child with her. Steve couldn’t bring himself to be too hurt though, because he was just so incredibly thankful to his have best friend back in his life in any capacity. It was fate that he was offered the position in the school it turned out Bucky’s daughter would be attending. 

Coming back to present time he glanced around taking in his surrounding and saw a few people milling around and one lone runner jogging the perimeter of the pond. He observed he runner pull his baseball cap down further shielding his face as a couple walked leisurely in his direction. There was a familiarity about the runner’s fluid movement that Steve couldn’t place straight away. It wasn’t until the stranger turned the corner Steve recognized Bucky. Warmth settled within him at the sight of his best friend. He figured Bucky had done a couple of laps already from the light sheen that was visible to Steve’s trained eyes.  
Suddenly there was a loud bang of a car backfiring in the neighborhood, which caused him to stop raising his arm to greet Bucky. Looking around for source of the noise, Steve didn’t really think anything of it. It was a regular occurrence living in a city so he wasn’t fazed by the noise. Glancing back at Bucky he was startled to see him laying flat on his stomach with his arms covering his head. Sensing something was definitely wrong he rushed over to Bucky. Hesitantly, he crouched down and placed his hand on his shoulder. The change in Bucky’s demeanour nearly gave Steve whiplash as a second later he was staring straight at the barrel of a gun as Bucky towered over him. 

“State your name and business now.” Bucky barked at him in a tone Steve had never heard before.  
“B-Buck it’s me- Steve… You know me, remember…” he tried to reply calmly his voice shaking slightly. Whilst keeping his hands in view as he slowly raised them to show he wasn’t a danger. Bucky narrowed his eyes and accessed the surrounding area quickly before returning his steel gaze to Steve. Satisfied the area was clear he pulled him up, and then levelled his gun back at his chest.  
“Where did you get your Intel about this classified location? Speak.” Bucky barked at him again. Steve’s mind was racing trying to defuse the situation before someone saw them and called the cops.  
“My name is Steve Rogers, and you’re Bucky Barnes. We’re in Brooklyn, New York.” Deciding to take a massive gamble he took a slow step forward with a baited breath.  
“You’re home; you’re safe. Lower the gun, Buck. It’s me, it’s Steve.” Still not daring to breath he took another step forward. He watched as he could see Bucky eventually coming back to the present time. 

He watched as Bucky looked down at his hand noticing the gun for the first time. He dropped the gun in horror and his knees buckled. Steve caught him before he hit the ground whilst shifting his weight to swipe the gun off the ground and put it in his jacket with the safety on. Bucky was violently shaking in his arms and hyperventilating. Steve knew the signs of a panic attack having suffered from them in the past. He wrapped his arms securely around Bucky giving him something to anchor onto whilst he gently murmured soft reassurances. Steve’s heart broke as Bucky clung to him like his life depended on it choking back on his sobs. 

It took him quite some time, but he managed to calm Bucky down enough to get him to tell him his address. It was plain from the haunted his look in his eyes Bucky needed to be in a safe environment. For a split second Steve debating letting go of Bucky to grab his sketch book and colours, but instantly dismissed it. Bucky needed him more, and he can always purchase new supplies. After silent and tense cab ride, they entered Bucky’s apartment. As soon as they entered Bucky did a routine sweep of the area to check it was safe. Whilst he did this Steve made them both a mug of coffee, he knew not to bring it up. Discreetly Steve glanced around the apartment as he brought their coffees over to the worn armchairs. Scattered around the apartment was evidence of Edie, but he couldn’t see any feminine touches of her Mom or a woman really.  
They sat in silence sipping their coffee for a while- Steve knew not to push Bucky. Instead Steve made small conversation about safe topics like work and Edie, which received short shaky nods in response. A knock on the door caused Bucky to flinch violently spilling his coffee down his thigh. He didn’t seem to notice it however. He was looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights again. Steve squeezed his shoulder and went to answer the door. In the cab he had text Sam asking him to come over as a huge favour. He’d never normally ask, but it was clear Steve was over his head and wanted to consult with a professional. He greeted Sam and thanked him again for coming over on his day off. 

“I didn’t know what else to do, he’s in a bad shape Sam. I think he’s suffering from some traumatic event from the way he reacted in the park…” he explained briefly what he went down at the park and how Bucky has subsequently reacted.  
“Okay, I’ll speak to him. You did tell your friend you contacted me, right?” Sam asked. Steve shifted uncomfortably as it didn’t even cross his mind to mention it to Bucky. Sam obviously saw this and sighed heavily.  
“You ratted on me?” Bucky snarled at Steve and Sam causing them both to turn to him. Steve noticed recognition on Sam’s face as he had heard and saw Bucky. Suddenly he remembered Sam briefly saying in passing one of his patients was a war hero. Bucky clearly took their silence as confirmation and he sneered at them with such disgust Steve took an involuntary step back. 

“Bet you two have been having a whale of time talking ‘bout how fucked I am, right?” He spat at them. Sam took a step forward with his hands raised upwards as a peace offering.  
“I assure you Bucky, I haven’t discussed our sessions with anyone. I would never breach patient confidentiality. Steve contacted me because he said you experienced a bad episode.” Sam explained calmly in to him. Bucky laughed coldly.  
“Sure it’s one big fucking conscience that Steve here calls you of all people. Bet he told you all about how his little Bucky was all scared like a little baby. Bet he couldn’t believe his lucky stars that he got to play the big hero sweeping the damsel off her feet. Well news flash. I don’t fucking need your help. I aint some charity case!” He turned to Steve and stabbed his finger to his chest. With such a look of pure hate it took Steve;s breath away.  
“And I certainly don’t need you! Why the fuck would I need your pansy ass?! Now both of you get the fuck out of my apartment NOW!” he roared and pointed at the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky laughed cruelly as he watched Steve bolt his apartment. Good, he thought. He didn’t need him. He turned and smirked at Sam who in was in turn shaking his head with an expression Bucky couldn’t place. The uncertainty made him feel uneasy and he didn’t like it. Shoving past Sam, he made towards the bathroom. He felt like his skin was crawling and he needed to scrub off this dirty feeling. For weeks he had thought he was just being overly paranoid about everything little thing. Turns out he was right to be. Scowling when he didn’t hear the door go, he turned and saw Sam standing there defiantly where he had left him. 

“I told you to get the hell out of my apartment, Wilson!” He snarled at Sam whilst pointing at the door that was still open from Steve’s departure. Who the hell did he think he was?  
“I’m not leaving you, Bu-“ Sam started.  
“No. You aren’t allowed to call me that- you shit on that privilege.” Bucky cut him off bluntly. Only a select few people were allowed to call him Bucky. Natasha, as much as he insisted, would only call him James. Sam sighed heavily clearly seeing a losing battle.  
“For the record, Steve is an old client of mine, who has grown into a close friend. And I would never do anything that would jeopardies either of your progresses. I hope to see you at our usual time, Bucky, I really do.” With that Sam left the apartment. 

Questions whirred around Bucky’s mind as he tried and failed to process this new information. Steve had had a shrink? Why would Steve of all people need a shrink? His brain started to hurt with all this over stimulation so he resigned to going to have a scorching shower like he had originally planned. As the scalding water hit his muscles he felt himself slowly starting to decompress. Bucky stumbled out of the shower as the exhaustion hit him like a sledgehammer. These episodes always took it out of him. He all but crawled into bed; he was out like a light before his head had hit the pillow. 

***

Natasha shifted Edie who was asleep in the crook of her neck as she put her key in the lock. Her senses switched to alert when the door opened a fraction without her unlocking it. Wrapping an arm around Edie protectively, she silently entered the apartment. She scanned the room for any activity or anything out of place- finding none she allowed herself to relax a fraction. No damage or anything out of place was good. Especially in the beginning, she would enter James’s apartment to find the place ransacked, James usually clutching a bottle of cheap alcohol and Edie grizzling in her cot. 

From an early age, her life had been ravaged by war. She had witnessed first hand how war affected someone. Her innocence had been cruelly stolen from her; and she repeatedly witnessed men lose their minds to the horrors of war. It was never her intention to get so close with James and Edie, but she had slowly found herself being drawn to them. She couldn’t pinpoint when or why, but she felt compelled to help them and knew she would do everything in her power to do so. She had watched as James had slowly crawled back from the edge, assisting him each step of the way. She had helped James learn to look after himself such as how to get dressed, wash and do daily things with just the one arm. Both of them had learnt how to look after a small child- who as it turns out need a lot of attention, and she had helped James slowly re-intergrade back into society. 

Natasha now scouted each room and found James asleep in his bed. Just from a glance she could tell that something had happened while her and Edie were out. As long as she’d known him- James had been a light sleeper, and he would have definitely heard them come in. Glancing around, she saw there was nothing out of place in the bedroom to alert her as to what had triggered it. After going through each room again she worked out that it had happened during his run. Deciding to let him sleep uninterrupted, she wrote a post-it note saying Edie was staying the night at hers and she’ll take her to school in the morning. Natasha signed it with a smiley face a stuck it on a bottle of water, and placed two aspirin next to it. Silently, she left the apartment with Edie. 

*** 

Getting Edie for school ran smoothly and they actually left the house on time. Something Natasha would always brag about jokingly to James. He’d always roll his eyes and mutter something under his breath about the girls ganging up on him. Every single time it would make her grin. As her and Edie walked to school her mind once again wandered to Steve Rogers- the spanner in the works. The change in James’s demeanour fascinated her. There was clearly a history between the two of them; even an outsider could figure that out. However, James was extremely tight lipped about it all, and would often get defensive and shut her out. Rogers on the other hand was like an open book. The look of love and devotion on his face was sickening. His whole face would light up when James was around or Edie spoke about him. 

Natasha prided herself on her ability to read people, and she could tell straight away that there was something wrong with Rogers. To the untrained eye he looked the same, however Natasha could see the strain around his eyes, she'd put money on it being a hangover. She also observed the way he held himself in a way to shield himself from the world. It didn’t take a genius to work out that he was linked to James’s recent episode. Edie with her child innocence was oblivious to any change as barrelled over to Rogers. The virtually undetectable flinch caused Natasha to raise her eyebrows in surprise. Something had definitely gone wrong to change Roger’s dynamic with Edie. 

He was almost as besotted with Edie, as he was James. She watched Roger’s shoulders tense as he scanned the yard for James quickly. When their eyes met Natasha saw a wash of emotion in Roger’s face- the most prominent being relief, closely followed by a mixture of sadness and hurt. Unexpectedly she felt a pang of sympathy for Roger’s. He was clearly trying his best, but he was stuck in the past expecting everything to be the same as before. The man he knew from his childhood wasn't the same man who came back from the war. Natasha sighed knowing that this was going to be a long and painful journey, for both James and Roger’s.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _ **Warning:**_ mention of past violence and homophobia directed at Steve.

The last few days had all merged into one sleepless blur for Steve. He was distantly aware that he was functioning on autopilot: going through the motions just about getting through the day. Work had become a chore that filled him with such dread- that it was a struggle for him to get out of bed in the morning. He couldn’t even distance himself properly, because Edie was there, which was like a punch to the gut every time he saw her. Steve hated himself deeply for feeling this way towards Edie, but it was too painful being constantly reminded of Bucky. He felt his shoulders automatically tense up. Bucky, who had once upon a time stood up for him no matter what: this often resulting in busted up knuckles, as he’d throw a punch at anyone who’d look at Steve funny. 

Steve dug his fingernails into his scalp as he involuntarily thought about the past, about what was and what would never be again. Of course he knew that things had changed between them; it had been over a decade since they had seen each other. Yes, deep down there was a small part of him that had clung to the hope that they could have what they once had shared, if they were every crossed paths again. Rationally, he’d accepted that there a slim to none chance of that when he met Edie, so he settled for friendship. But the hatred; he shivered and try to shrink away from the look of pure disgust that Bucky had directed at him. Never in a million years did he imagine that Bucky would ever look at him that way. 

Steve tried in vain to block out the memories that were threatening to consume him once again. He could feel the ghost of the phantom blows land on his body and their hateful words whispering inside his head. He further dug his fingernails into his scalp trying to focus on the pain in an attempt to block out the memories bombarding him. He jumped out of his skin at the sound of knocking on his door, his eyes darting around the room frantically. Maybe he could wait them out and they’d go away. Steve tried to stay as silent as he could; terrified that they’d hear his heart beat pounding in his chest. Steve allowed himself to relax just a fraction after a few minutes passed without a sound. They must have given up and left him. He dropped his head back onto the sofa feeling overwhelmed with relief. 

“Steve, I know you’re in there, I can hear your breathing…” Bucky murmured through the door. Steve swore his heart stopped working. He couldn’t do this right now.  
“Why do you have a shrink?” Bucky asked from where Steve deduced as sitting against the door. He was definitely not expecting that.  
“W- what did you say?” he asked shaken by the unexpectedness of it.  
“Why do you of all people need a shrink? You’re always so happy.” Bucky asked again. A burst of laughter escaped from Steve before he could stop himself.  
“Here I was, thinking you were here to apologise. How stupid of me.” Steve spat suddenly overcome with anger. How dare Bucky come here of all places and turn everything back on him. He had almost forgotten how selfish Bucky could be.  
“I’m sorry Steve… I- I've got a lot of issues…” Bucky murmured remorsefully after a long silence.  
“Join the club, pal.” Steve snorted.  
“I’m trying to be serious here and you’re fucking mocking me. Real fucking mature, Rogers.” Bucky growled through the door.  
“Learnt from the best, Barnes.” Steve shot back. He wasn’t going to just back down and roll over. Not this time. He had struggled for years to scramble his way up from when he’d hit rock bottom; he knew that if it weren’t for Sam, well he didn't want to dwell on it... It had taken a very long time for Steve to begin to accept and love himself. To realise that there wasn't anything wrong with how he was, or who he loved. It wasn't something he could change, and he had given up on trying to a long time ago. 

Steve heard Bucky rest his head against the door. After a while he heard him let out a short huff of laughter.  
“You always were a smartass, see some things haven’t changed. Think you could maybe let me in? Getting some real funny looks from your neighbour” Steve rubbed his temples trying in vain to relieve some of the tension.  
“Why should I?” he asked quietly. His question was met with silence, as he'd expected it to be.  
“You deserve an explanation, I owe you that. And I’d rather do it in person and not through the door, Stevie.” Bucky spoke, exhaustion seeping into his voice. Steve cursed Bucky under his breath for that low blow. Bucky knew Steve was a sucker for his old pet name and he wasn't above using it to get what he wanted. Sighing heavily in defeat, he pulled himself up from the sofa and made his way to the door. You’re going to break me again, Bucky Barnes he thought as he unlocked the door and let Bucky in. He just hoped that he was strong enough to come out of it in one piece this time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been nearly two years since I've updated this! Time flies when you put things on the back burner. Here's the next chapter, which I hope it good enough for anyone still reading this.

As Steve opened his apartment door, Bucky almost did a double take at how bad Steve looked. Steve wasn’t a vain person, but he would always make sure he looked presentable. Instead his hair was plastered to his scalp, he had dark circles under his eyes and was rocking a five o’ clock shadow. His clothes weren’t in a much better state. Bucky felt a wave of shame roll over him, as he knew he was the reason Steve looked like he did right now. He shuffled in and had a quick glance around as Steve bolted the door. 

Steve’s apartment was modest like his, but he could see Steve’s influences in the décor. Of course, there were books scattered on every surface and an abundance of artwork on the wall. His apartment was everything Bucky imagined it would be and more. For some reason Bucky took comfort in that. Steve slowly let out his breath trying to gain some composure, and turned around to face Bucky. He watched for a second as Bucky looked around before he cleared his throat and motioned to his sofa. 

Bucky nodded and sat down and tried not show his irritation as Steve sat as far away as he could. Steve stared at Bucky waiting for him to start, but it seemed Bucky was for once at a loss for words. When the silence threatened to drag on Steve jumped up and headed to the kitchen coming back with two mugs of coffee.

“Do you, uh, have anything stronger?” Bucky asked as he sniffed his coffee and found that it was just that. Steve stared at him with an expression that Bucky couldn’t decipher.  
“No.” Steve simply told him. Okay, Bucky thought to himself it’s going to be like this.  
“I, I don’t really know where to start, so much shit has gone on since I last saw you, Steve. I can barely wrap my head around it myself to be honest…” Bucky mumbled obviously extremely uncomfortable.  
“The beginning would be a good place. Last I heard you had gone to stay with your Grandma because she was sick.” Steve replied, fiddling with his mug equally uncomfortable.

“Grams? Right, yeah I remember now. Well Ma hauled us to this shitty town in the middle of nowhere so she could be closer to Grams. God I fucking hated that place. Grams went quick, and Ma was left with all her hospital bills. She was working three jobs, as it was just to keep up with everything and still not even making a dent in them. I had seen flyers around town about joining the army; I had always just dismissed them until I saw that they paid you to be there. 

Ma and me had a massive fight that night and she forbid me to enlist, but I had to y’know. I couldn’t stand back and let her take the take the brunt of everything. So, I snuck out and enlisted.” Bucky broke off and Steve once again got up from his seat, but this time he came back with two beers. He could tell they were going to need them.

“I’m sorry about your Grandma, Bucky. She was a real nice lady.” Steve said in a subdued voice as he slid the beer across the table to Bucky.  
“Thanks.” Bucky mumbled as he popped off the cap and took a long sip from the bottle. He could do with all the courage he could get and took comfort in the cool beer in his hand. Stalling for a moment he carried on with his story while he had the courage to.

“I was good at it you know. I was really fucking good at it. Within a few months I was Sergeant. James Barnes and I was sending home a decent bit of money. Ma still didn’t agree with it, but I knew she appreciated the help. For a while life was pretty great, I was doing something I was good at and was apply to provide for my family. Then, I got deployed and everything turned to shit.” He took another deep pull from his beer trying to calm the tremors building in his hand and the panic that was bubbling just below the surface. 

“You can stop if it’s too much for you.” Steve told him gently, noticing the tremors in Bucky’s hand as he had been speaking. As much as he wanted answers he didn’t want to cause any more distress for Bucky. Steve could tell Bucky was torn and desperately wanted to take Steve’s offer, but he could also see the determination in his eyes. He never was one to take the easy way out.

“I appreciate the offer, but I need to do this now, or I never will. May need a few more beers though, pal.” Bucky replied with a ghost of a smile. He waited before Steve came back with the beers before carrying on.  
“I had just finished my second tour of duty and was due to come back to the States for some much needed r&r. Our c-convey was making it’s way back to the base when we got h-hit-“ Steve watched as Bucky started to shut down. Obviously reliving the memories. Steve could make an educated guess as to what had happened next and it broke his heart. Gingerly, he reached out and placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder and made slow circular motions, hoping to give Bucky something to concentrate on and calm down his shakes. When Bucky showed no signs of coming out of it Steve took to calmly and quietly retelling stories from their childhood. 

“… Mom came back to find us desperately trying to stop the water with the white towels we had turned pink. Needless to say Mom never asked me to do the laundry again, and I had to wear pink boxers for a week as punishment…” Steve’s voice slowly swam back in to focus, as did his surroundings. Bucky looked around blankly trying to gather his bearings again. Steve. He was with Steve in his apartment.  
“Hey, you back with me, Buck?” Steve asked him gently a look of worry on his face.  
“How l-long was I g-gone for?” Steve glanced at his clock and cleared his throat.  
“About fifteen minutes… you really had me worried for a while there Buck.”  
“Sorry.” He whispered uttered exhausted. Steve looked at his oldest friend and felt a burning rage at the injustice of it all, how the universe had taken one of the strongest people he knew and broken him so cruelly. Steve also felt ashamed at how he had been so selfish lately when Bucky was clearly having a worse time than he was. Putting things in to perspective he could see that Bucky didn’t mean what he had said to him, it was just a defence mechanism.

“I’m sorry Stevie, I came here to apologise to you for being such a asshole to you lately and I’ve made it about me, again.” Bucky murmured.  
“Well, you always were a drama queen, Barnes.” Steve replies without thinking. He freezes thinking he’s overstepped the boundaries. Bucky stares at him for a second before he barks out a laugh. Steve slowly grins in return.  
“So c’mon then Rogers, fill me in on all that’s being on with you.” Bucky says as he flings his arm around Steve’s shoulder, with only a small tremor detectable. Steve hesitates for a second, before he starts filling Bucky in on what he’s missed. He’s halfway through his story when becomes aware of Bucky’s head on his shoulder and the soft snores that signal he’s finally given in to his exhaustion. Steve smiles privately before shutting his own eyes.


End file.
